hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
