I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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