I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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