Soap is not a condiment
Need sex. Gaining weight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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