Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
