I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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