Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
