Your tits are I can't wait for
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
