My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I believe in your delicious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
