An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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