the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
