I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
