Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
