Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
