My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
