don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
