You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
