U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize