I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All the doctor said was why
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
