Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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