Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
