Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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