saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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