Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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