remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
