I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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