You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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