I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
