The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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