Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Couch. On fire.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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