You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
