He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
