I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
