All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My ass is underappreciated
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
