grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
