At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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