I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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