When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
