the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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