I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
