Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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