I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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