I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
