someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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