I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
