Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
