life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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