I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
