i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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