I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
