I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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